Hasty Judgement May Cost You Meaningful Connections
I think some of the most important people in my life today are people who I gradually embraced. Either I misunderstood them or was misunderstood by them at first.
On the flipside, many of my deepest wounds come from people I had hurried to hug. Amazingly, the people – and there are some – whose presence I can now only endure by extremely long, deep and agonizing groans, are people who at first seemed picture perfect as friends.
I know I am not alone in this. Why then do we say ‘first impressions last’, as though it were a good thing, and build our lives around it, when a whole lifetime of experiences clearly tell us to look deeper?
Hey – I fully understand why parents and teachers rivet the idea “First impressions last”. They do because they know, stupid or not, that it is the reality. It can affect whether you get a job or not. So, by all means, go and make great first impressions.
People Are Not Dispensable
While we cannot change the fact that others will judge us by the first impressions we make, I submit that it is stupid (lacking common sense) for us in our personal lives to define the value of a person by the first 2 minute conversation we have with them.
The fundamental problem I have with this concept however is that it is based on a idea that people are dispensable. It is a cut-throat business concept. It may certainly help Human Resource Department to clear through 100 resumes in an hour. It will cheat you of the value that different and, at first, unimpressive people may add to your life.
If you need reasons (why the idea is stupid) here are some:
- All real people have bad days.
- Many people also have bad weeks and months.
- Millions, perhaps billions of humans, have bad years! [Parents die. Meaning and purpose for living elude us. People grow, mature and advance in their thinking and living.]
- The wonder of humanity is that unlike dogs, people CAN and DO change.
- No first impression is a full impression.
- No impression whatsoever is a true representation.
- The problem with marrying a girl/guy for her/his good first impression, is that you will have to live daily with their last impression.
- Look at how Oxford defines the word impression: ‘an idea, feeling, or opinion about something or someone, especially one formed without conscious thought or on the basis of little evidence.’
- The habit of trusting good impressions is a silly trait in a world of lying, scheming con artists.
- We all have a deep, nagging hurt inside at the idea that someone we value misunderstands who we truly are/what we can truly do/why we said or did whatever.
- Half the list of “Great First Impression” stuff are superficial and inconsequential. [I would love to hear the American Airlines CEO explaining on CNN after 4 or 5 pilots crash into the sea, “Gee, they all had really great eye contact in their interview.”]
- Half the time our own prejudices are what determine the extent of a good first impression.
- I typed “Good first impression” in google. Found a list of 21 ways to do it. Evaluate the list and ask yourself If you had to do open heart surgery. Which of these 21 things would help you to decide what doctor to choose.
What to Do Instead
1. Give people a chance.
Give everyone the opportunity to demonstrate truly, genuinely who they are. No timeline. No presumptions. No expectations. No restrictions. None of that.
2. Give people a chance…not your head and your heart!
On the converse, don’t be fooled by first, second, third impression. Seriously, in a world where people are taught to craft a good first impression, why would you trust your first impressions of anyone?
Have you ever made a bad first impression? How did it feel?